Between gargantuan sexual exploits, feats performed with genitalia and anatomical curiosities, not all sexual records are recognised by the Guinness Book. But they are surprising, amusing and astonishing. Here is a roundup of the most impressive sexual records.
Sexual records
The longest kiss
The world record for the longest kiss with tongues is 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds, without interruption. It is held by Ekkachai and Laksana Tiranarat, a Thai couple who are clearly not afraid of tongue cramps.
The longest masturbation session
The record for the longest masturbation session was beaten by Japanese man Masanobu Sato.
In 2009, during the Masturbathon, this wanking athlete managed to jerk off for 9 hours and 58 minutes non-stop, smashing his own previous record.
He trains regularly in his living room, in front of his girlfriend who, barely impressed, sometimes helps him time his sessions while sewing or cooking.
The biggest gangbang
The record for the biggest gangbang belongs to actress Lisa Sparxxx, with 919 partners in a single day, in 2004.
The biggest mixed orgy
The record for the largest mixed orgy filmed belongs to a Japanese porn film. Plainly titled “500 Person Sex”, it features 500 participants: 250 men and 250 women.
Anatomical sexual records
The largest natural breasts
An American woman named Annie Hawkins-Turner holds the record for the largest natural breasts. Her chest measures 109.2 centimetres under the bust, and 177.8 centimetres around the breasts. Better known by her stage name Norma Stitz, a pun on “enormous tits”, she appears in soft fetish videos.
The largest breast implants
As for the world record for the largest augmented breasts, it is more complicated. The Guinness Book refuses to take polypropylene implants into account, because they are harmful to health. Polypropylene irritates the pocket where it is implanted, causing the production of serum and therefore continuous breast growth. In the long run, this can be very dangerous for the wearer of such enhanced breasts.
And those giant cartoon-style fake tits with measurements beyond comprehension? That is polypropylene. So there is no official holder of the record.
However, actress Maxi Mounds claims to hold the record for the largest breast implants, with a measurement of 142 centimetres under the bust, and 153.67 centimetres around the breasts. Each of her boobs weighs 9 kilograms.
However, this record is disputed. Model Chelsea Charms, whose breasts are said to weigh 18 kilograms each, also claims to have the largest augmented breasts in the world.
The longest penis
The record for the longest penis belongs to a Mexican man named Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, with a willy measuring 48 centimetres.
The longest penile extension
The record for the largest surgical penis enlargement is held by a Brazilian man, a patient of Dr Bayard Ollé Fischer Santos. This anonymous man’s cock grew by 16 centimetres, reaching a length of 27 centimetres.
The strongest vagina
Tatyana Kozhevnikova holds the world record for the strongest vagina. This Russian gymnast is able to lift 14 kilograms using only the strength of her pelvic floor muscles. She achieved this feat in 2009.
The Guinness Book has never officially recognised this record, apparently not considering cunt bodybuilding a discipline worthy of its attention.
Absurd sexual records
The record for crushing cans with one breast
The record for crushing cans with one breast (Why? Oh why?) is held by Susan Sykes, an American woman whose stage name is Busty Heart. She squashes 34 cans in one minute with her boobs.
The vaginal fart record
The record for the greatest number of vaginal farts was broken on The Howard Stern Show, by a woman who managed to queef on command no fewer than 93 times in 30 seconds.
Animal sexual records
The loudest penis
A tiny aquatic insect called Micronecta scholtzi holds the record for the loudest penis. This 2-millimetre-long creature plays the violin by rubbing its penis against its abdomen, and can reach 99.2 decibels. The penis serenade: an unfailing seduction technique.
The oldest penis
The ostracod holds the record for the oldest penis. Fossilised penises from this 1-millimetre-long crustacean, dating back around 100 million years, were found in Brazil in 2012.
The longest animal penis
The blue whale holds the record for the longest penis, with a phallus averaging 2.4 metres. Hardly surprising, given that it is also the largest animal in the world.
Many hydras reportedly sighted by sailors were in fact the penises of exhibitionist cetaceans.
Fake sexual records or ones with no verified source
The longest ejaculation
According to the internet, the record for the longest ejaculation — in distance, not in duration — is 5.71 metres. Its holder is said to be named Horst Schultz. He supposedly also holds the height record, at 3.76 metres, and the speed record, with sperm travelling at 68.7 km/h.
However, there is no mention of this record in the Guinness Book, no video of the feat, and no concrete trace of this Spider-Man cousin anywhere online. Perhaps he uses his seminal superpowers to fight the forces of evil in anonymity…
The greatest quantity of sperm swallowed
According to many websites, the record for the greatest quantity of sperm swallowed belongs to an American woman named Michelle Monahan, who allegedly drank no less than 80 centilitres of semen. After this feat, she supposedly needed to have her stomach pumped, which is said to be why the record was registered.
Except no, actually. It is a fake.
The normal volume of an ejaculation is between 2 and 6 centilitres. Let us call it 4 on average. To collect 80 centilitres of semen, you would therefore need around 200 ejaculations. But all right. Let us imagine a giant bukkake, or the ingestion of a stock of horse or bull semen intended for artificial insemination.
But for what obscure reason would you need to have your stomach pumped after drinking nearly a litre of sperm? Sperm is not toxic. As for possible STIs, too late: the risk of transmission would be at mouth level.
The urban legend of sperm overdose is nothing new. First attributed to an anonymous cheerleader, then to celebrities, this myth dates back to the early 1970s. It is one of many legends intended to frighten people by attaching atrocious and shameful consequences to sexual freedom.
